2011 vs 2012

Posted December 30, 2011 | 11:28 pm, by nadine

Hmm…what to say about this past year…

2011 was a year of growth and acceptance for me. For example, I accepted the fact that I don’t have a grand plan. I don’t charge ahead into the night with a plotted course of goals and life plans. No my friends, I drift. I may not drift in the sense of being nomadic, but I drift in other ways.

And for years I tried to fight that natural drifting. Thinking “Oh shit I need to get my ducks in order!” You know those feelings. I probably don’t have to go into detail about them. I don’t know what I was trying to improve myself into, but it obviously wasn’t working.

So I accepted my drift, but I found out that I drift according to some parameters. They boil down to a few words: Autonomy, Curiosity, and Sustainability. The things that seem to inhabit my life, whether they are relationships, work, interests, or education, tend to fall somewhere in that triangle of words. And that was an interesting discovery to make.

It lead me to make some short term plans, and try things like learning about ecosystems (I like plants), or spending far more time outside cycling and hiking. I even did some project tinkering…and I still got something really good out of these things, without the overhanging pressure that it must all LEAD to something. Consequently I was a lot happier than I’ve been in a long time, and at the end of 2011 I find myself physically stronger, mentally sharper, and more in tune with who I am for the good and the bad. I feel like I gained some decent EXP.

Did I make mistakes? Of course I did, but we all do that. Did I have some personal challenges? Yep. That’s part of just being alive…and when bad things came trotting my way, I just rolled through it unapologetically swearing and bitching, knowing that it would end, and I could just get on with things.

But y’know what else I did in 2011? I continued with my distance cycling and hit almost 100km in a day, I saw shorelines and boats and birds, I hiked the scottish highlands, I spent afternoons swimming on the island with friends, I snowshoed, I rock climbed, I cooked things, I refined my scotch palette, I studied plants, I worked, I had a life…and I enjoyed it.

2012? I have some ideas. But in true me fashion, they are written in chalk on my chalk door, because they’ll likely change over the course of winter.

Such is what its like when you drift…and I’m good with that.

cycling accidents

Posted December 8, 2011 | 10:53 am, by nadine

Yesterday I had a cycling accident. It involved me, a van, a mirror, and the ground. Namely a van cut me off, I hit his mirror, then I hit the ground.

He pulled over, We calmed down from being shaken, and exchanged information. Luckily I didn’t hurt anything, and my bike is a hardy animal. This wasn’t the first time I’ve been hit on my bicycle, it likely won’t be the last. Accidents are a reality you live with when you use the road, and in my city…well let’s just say Toronto is not a bicycle friendly town. Most drivers I find however, will stop if something happens, be apologetic, and exchange information freely…or maybe I’m lucky in that the ones I’ve dealt with when something has happened, have been on the level.

What I did not expect was the random guy who stopped his car in the middle of the intersection, who was not involved at all, to yell at me that I was a “Bleep bleep dumb ass cyclist, and that was your own fault, and you shouldn’t be on the road at all.”

…Wait…What? Really? Did that just happen? I have just been hit by a vehicle, the driver and I are dealing with it, and this random dude just decides that this is a good time to voice his opinion?

I should not really be so surprised especially when this happened a little while ago.

Plus as a society we seem to be good at breading ideas like “if you disagree with something you’re a whiner”, “me first”, and “my opinion means everything.”

But I was pretty caught off guard by this action, mainly because it had no grounding. And in a way it was the equivalent of a bully trying to hit you when you’re already down from being punched.

Toronto, I issue you a challenge to not let this mean kind of groundless bullshit take over, we can do better.

PS, this is the aftermath. The rainbow trout of bruise.

Bad Brains

Posted November 26, 2011 | 4:07 pm, by nadine

Hey There.

So I’m going to publicly talk about something that people don’t really talk about too much. Its called having a case of bad brains, and its a lot more common than I think we like to admit.

Bad Brains is not a bad mood, or a bad attitude, or a bad day, though it can be outwardly interpreted as such by the general public. Bad brains is a scenario where your brain actually refuses to co-operate with you on every decision you make for a given spate of time, for no particular reason. This means that rather being able to identify or tackle it (as you would, say do something for a bad mood, or avoid the things causing your bad day) you are just left mentally turning a circle, because every action or non-action you do becomes fuel for your Bad Brains.

Trust me…This is a real thing.

It looks like this:

You: “I’m going to go do [item 1], and [item 2] today. Here we go…”
Brain: “What? No you’re not, because [insert lame-ass excuse].”
You:“But, I…I mean…Ok fine, I’ll do [item 3] instead.”
Brain: “Wrong again.”
You: “Eff! Ok fine, I’ll sleep, that will clear my head.”
Brain: “Nope! That’s a waste of time, oh and btw, you _should_ have done [item 1].”
You: “Shit. Fine, I’ll just go back and try to do [item 2]…”
Brain: “You can’t, you missed your window for [item 2], because you were thinking about if you should do [item 1], oh and [item 3] can’t be done yet, so why are you starting that?”
You: “Argh! WTF!”

….etc.

What this generally means is that your mental state never gels into a committed…anything. On Bad Brain days, going to the corner store to purchase toilet paper, or deciding on what tea to brew, is a triumph.

Needless to say this can really mess with you. For example it is not the end of the world if you don’t go do X, Y, Z, or accomplish A,B and C, in a day, but on Bad Brain days it feels like it.

I haven’t found a good solid single recourse against Bad Brains, its more like a mixed bag approach. Mostly I let myself just be, knowing I will be a non-comital blubber-head for a day. I put off heavy decisions and responsibilities that require actual thought, and I remind myself that no one takes it personally if you flake out on something when your brain is being a jerk, or that responsibilities can be shuffled around to fit what works. I try not to get bogged down in “should haves” because once something is gone its bubkis, and mostly I watch wildlife clips and drink tea.

I’m serious about that last one, you can’t beat watching raccoons steal stuff to help pretty much anything that ails you, even a day of Bad Brains: